My week started really on the wrong foot. I was struggling between my flesh and my spirit and my physical illness wasn't helping at all. So I was truly tired and feeling so lost, distraught and dispirited. I was really at the spiritual low.
Wednesday came and I was really tired and I finally made a really desperate cry to God, "God, I know the battle belongs to You, but I'm really tired. Would You help me?!"
It was like a cry of Psalm 28:1-2
To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.
If God did not answer me, I would have seriously felt like as if death was upon me.
And beautifully, as I was just working in the office and still facing a lot of inner struggle, God, through Vanness Wu's tweet, spoke to me. Vanness wrote Ephesians 1 in his tweet and so because I needed God's answer so much, I decided, hey why not, just read. I believe God has a word in season. And truly, this was beautiful.
As I read Ephesians 1, my heart is just moved. I won't write the whole passage down, but the passage just revealed God's heart. He's a loving loving Father who longs to share with us the knowledge about Him but He's not going to let us do it alone, that's why He gave us His Holy Spirit, and even more so, a hope that we can understand, a hope that never fails. And that God, being who He is, is great. He is all-powerful, never failing nor faltering. His promises, He will deliver.
It's just so beautiful, so encouraging. As I also sat down for lunch with my colleague, we shared about some people's faith that is so strong, because they know, not what they feel, but because they know that Jesus is the Lord, they could stand strong. And it was even more encouraging.
Beautiful. And because our God is all-powerful, He can do immeasurably more than what we can ask or imagine. Read and think about the word immeasurable. It means it cannot be measured. There's no limit, no boundaries. Immeasurable. I think humans are generally quite imaginative people, but even beyond what we can imagine.
Such comfort from the Word and fellowship with His people! I tasted first hand truly the comfort the Word and fellowship brings!
After all that encouragement, my music school called and asked me if I would like to perform for an opening act for a concert they are holding. I was excited, shocked and bewildered. I couldn't even imagine getting through my exam, much lesser to perform in a very public setting.
It was like as if God opened the door wide, but get this: He opened the door of opportunity only after I could reconcile in faith and belief in Him. Only when He could work in me than could only He use me.
I said yes, decided that it was a God-given opportunity and went for rehearsals started a few days before. I didn't know the song, even more so for the lyrics, but praise God, every step of the way He prepared and helped me to get the melody in a night and the lyrics in 2 nights. I'm still shaky bout the lyrics, but I could memorise the words, just not the sequence.
The next thing I knew, one thing led to another, I realised that it was not an opening but a closing act. The song I will perform is suppose to be the pinnacle of the night.
Now get this: Except for leading worship in a congregation about 100+ people or less, and singing a song for a school competition in front of an audience of about 300 people, I have not done any public secular performance in audience of 500 strong, more so a rock song with live audio and video recording, costumes and all.
When that dawned upon me just a couple of hours ago, I freaked.
I truly freaked. Ask me to lead worship and I can do it in a heartbeat, well, almost. But when I realised the importance of my performance, I truly freaked. I had so much fear in my heart, the only thing I could say is "GOD, I CAN'T DO THIS!" I feel like asking God if He can just close the door now, or if I can just say, sorry, no can't do. I'd rather face the shame of myself not being able to step out from my fear than go all out, whether or not I will look silly on stage.
It was almost crippling, this fear. I really felt like I should just quit straight away. I have less than a week till showday and I am totally freaking out.
But God, being the GOD that He is, decided to teach me a lesson on faith and trust again. But in a different way this time. I asked my parents to pray for me and tears was just flowing down. And you know what? My fears began to subside. Confidence and peace began to come in.
Just about 45 minutes ago, I took to my knees, still tearing, just amazed at how fast peace and confidence came, that I am truly assured that He had given me this opportunity and He wanted me to go for it. And praise just came out from my lips. I kid you not. Songs just came to my lips:
You are the peace that guards my heart
My help in time of need
You are the hope that leads me on
And brings me to my knees
For there I find You waiting
And there I find release
So with all my heart I'll worship
And unto You I sing
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we worship and adore You
Father we long to seek Your face
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we love You
And we worship You this day
And another just came:
You are my light and salvation
Whom shall I fear
You are the strength of all my days
Of whom shall I be afraid
Though war may rise against me
Of this will I be sure
That I will bless the Lord forever
I'll bless Your holy name
And I will bless the Lord forever
I'll bless Your holy name
You ask me who do I
Say that You are and I
Say that You are the Christ
Son of the living God
Indeed! If God is the living God, even wars and battles rages against me, I can stand strong because He will never leave me nor forsake me, He will fight the battle for me, and He will give me strength!
Oh, how beautiful.
How He loves me.
Oh, how I love Him.
Perfect love drives out all fear. And God is able to give me more faith. I am not doing this for myself, I've made myself clear, I'm doing this for God, because I want to let everyone know that I am who I am today or I can achieve all these because of God's favor and protection. He has kept me close to Him in this journey I'm on, never letting me go. And if I'm doing this for Him, I need to let go and let Him. All I can do is walk by faith. Trust Him to give me the ideas to bring the crowd up. I have led worship before, so I know how to do this, even in a secular setting, yes! I may not be singing a worship song, but my life is worship. I am a living sacrifice, a living worship to Him. And that is the most important. No matter what song I sing, I'm singing for the glory of God and God can do so much for me by protecting me, guarding me and watching over my steps. He is the light unto my path and lamp unto my feet after all.
Oh, how His Words comfort!
In Christ alone
I place my trust,
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is CHRIST alone!
One more song before I end:
I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fears
He has set my feet upon the rock
And I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield
My strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
For You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
This is my story, this is my song, praising my Saviour all the day long~
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