I read in Brio online magazine this story and it was great reading it. Comforts me in some way.
http://www.briomag.com/briomagazine/fictionfix/a0006735.html
Really. Read it. It's comforting.
Sunday
I Want To Be Happy.
Listening to : Jay Chou - ye qu
I didn't sleep well nowadays. Dreamed of things which haunts me throughout the morning. Dreamed of things I can only dream of. But so, I couldn't rest well.
Was telling Juls bout how I love nights more than day. Right now, I do want to sleep. Somehow, I'm hoping for someone maybe to come online and talk to me.
The hope doesn't die.
Maybe I hope too much.
But the hope needs to die.
Dreamed of a guy who died unexpectedly and I regretted not reaching out to him before he wasted his life away.
Dreamed that I was in MELBOURNE! Hahahaha...yeah, basically, dreamed of going to visit Carissa, Chia Pei and David...like going down to Singapore like that to attend Emerge Conference.
L'roy and I spent some time together over dinner, bullying each other till we had to talk bout more serious stuff. I was stating the fact that his sis and I are not really friends...not from my part. Just that she is not responding to my hellos, giving me cold shoulder, etc...and he simply stated that she doesn't like any girls close to him. Even someone older than him 3 years? Wow.
Will I be jealous if Nick or Juls have closer girl friends than this old nag here? Heck, I may not even give a thought about it. Well, it does happen. Cause both of them are just erm...brothers and not blood relations. So, I'm not the only sister they have. Jealous? Maybe. Maybe not.
They say open your eyes and look when you are looking for the potential lifelong partner. It's only after marriage that you close one eye.
Just that, love can be blind.
Like D said, singlehood is the better choice now. If it's only easy to turn to the next road and walk without looking back. Once you live a choice, you reminiscise the choice.
I'm blabbering.
Caris said bout she don't get to see how I look now since she takes more picture and publish them more often than me. ( I commented her good health and joy cause her pictures exhibit that..) As I have always said, "I don't like taking pictures..." Anyway, haven't been practising good sleep pattern. Thank God it's hols on Monday. I get to sleep in. Yay! So, my eyebags can recover. Not that they do anyway.
I dream too much. More like I imagine too much.
Caris laughed and teased me when I ask her bout is there any other girl waiting and so so single? She said how my kind is facing extinction. I laughed with her. But the question remains. Is it so? Is my kind of people facing extinction? Someone who is waiting and waiting?
Sigh.
I want to be content. Just content.
All I want to have is a surprise from God...
I didn't sleep well nowadays. Dreamed of things which haunts me throughout the morning. Dreamed of things I can only dream of. But so, I couldn't rest well.
Was telling Juls bout how I love nights more than day. Right now, I do want to sleep. Somehow, I'm hoping for someone maybe to come online and talk to me.
The hope doesn't die.
Maybe I hope too much.
But the hope needs to die.
Dreamed of a guy who died unexpectedly and I regretted not reaching out to him before he wasted his life away.
Dreamed that I was in MELBOURNE! Hahahaha...yeah, basically, dreamed of going to visit Carissa, Chia Pei and David...like going down to Singapore like that to attend Emerge Conference.
L'roy and I spent some time together over dinner, bullying each other till we had to talk bout more serious stuff. I was stating the fact that his sis and I are not really friends...not from my part. Just that she is not responding to my hellos, giving me cold shoulder, etc...and he simply stated that she doesn't like any girls close to him. Even someone older than him 3 years? Wow.
Will I be jealous if Nick or Juls have closer girl friends than this old nag here? Heck, I may not even give a thought about it. Well, it does happen. Cause both of them are just erm...brothers and not blood relations. So, I'm not the only sister they have. Jealous? Maybe. Maybe not.
They say open your eyes and look when you are looking for the potential lifelong partner. It's only after marriage that you close one eye.
Just that, love can be blind.
Like D said, singlehood is the better choice now. If it's only easy to turn to the next road and walk without looking back. Once you live a choice, you reminiscise the choice.
I'm blabbering.
Caris said bout she don't get to see how I look now since she takes more picture and publish them more often than me. ( I commented her good health and joy cause her pictures exhibit that..) As I have always said, "I don't like taking pictures..." Anyway, haven't been practising good sleep pattern. Thank God it's hols on Monday. I get to sleep in. Yay! So, my eyebags can recover. Not that they do anyway.
I dream too much. More like I imagine too much.
Caris laughed and teased me when I ask her bout is there any other girl waiting and so so single? She said how my kind is facing extinction. I laughed with her. But the question remains. Is it so? Is my kind of people facing extinction? Someone who is waiting and waiting?
Sigh.
I want to be content. Just content.
All I want to have is a surprise from God...
Wednesday
Assuming Prejudice
I always have the habit of assuming the worst of situation and people. Worst, I always have the habit of assuming the worst of myself.
No, I'm not being melancholic. I'm just stating my weakness. In my head, I can assume the worst of people and argue with them, as if I am such a great debater. Reality? I would clam up as a oyster shell when it comes to arguing.
Not that I don't know what to say. It's just that sometimes silence is better than saying things that could be wrong. Besides, sometimes, a gesture of rolling of eyes, saying 'Whatever' helps me more.
Maybe I'm just plain lazy to argue.
Can it change? I sure hope so.
I had a phone conversation with Leroy the other time, just talking bout school life and all. He was surprised with my associates of the past, though after that I regretted "bragging" about it, cause seriously, there is nothing to brag about.
Somehow, I thank God for all the second chances He gives.
Okay, things less thoughtful.
I want to change my phone, though nearly losing my old phone twice is like being warned by God to appreciate the blessings He give and not take it for granted. Haha...but I'm not planning for a camera phone or whatever. Just a handy (hopefully, colour?) phone to let me see better...the screen is getting blur-er each time. I saw one Sony Ericsson in the TESCO catalog! (Can you believe it, Tesco actually sells phone. What next? Giant would be opting to buy over some local phone manufacturer and selling it, placing them in the cold goods area for that 'wet, cool' look...)
I know, I still suck at Photoshop.
Sleep is the best medicine now.
No, I'm not being melancholic. I'm just stating my weakness. In my head, I can assume the worst of people and argue with them, as if I am such a great debater. Reality? I would clam up as a oyster shell when it comes to arguing.
Not that I don't know what to say. It's just that sometimes silence is better than saying things that could be wrong. Besides, sometimes, a gesture of rolling of eyes, saying 'Whatever' helps me more.
Maybe I'm just plain lazy to argue.
Can it change? I sure hope so.
I had a phone conversation with Leroy the other time, just talking bout school life and all. He was surprised with my associates of the past, though after that I regretted "bragging" about it, cause seriously, there is nothing to brag about.
Somehow, I thank God for all the second chances He gives.
Okay, things less thoughtful.
I want to change my phone, though nearly losing my old phone twice is like being warned by God to appreciate the blessings He give and not take it for granted. Haha...but I'm not planning for a camera phone or whatever. Just a handy (hopefully, colour?) phone to let me see better...the screen is getting blur-er each time. I saw one Sony Ericsson in the TESCO catalog! (Can you believe it, Tesco actually sells phone. What next? Giant would be opting to buy over some local phone manufacturer and selling it, placing them in the cold goods area for that 'wet, cool' look...)
I know, I still suck at Photoshop.
Sleep is the best medicine now.
Sunday
Wedding Planner
We build on trust, on faith, and on love.
We build on patience, on hope, and on love.
We build on sacrifice, on respect, and on love.
We were strangers, we are friends.
We were strangers, we are lovers.
We are loud, we are soft.
We argue, we resolve.
We laugh, we cry.
We share every moment together.
We share our thoughts together.
We were two, now we are one.
*
It's times like these that makes me rethink my priorities and know who's and what's more important.
I should be a wedding planner. Good business.
We build on patience, on hope, and on love.
We build on sacrifice, on respect, and on love.
We were strangers, we are friends.
We were strangers, we are lovers.
We are loud, we are soft.
We argue, we resolve.
We laugh, we cry.
We share every moment together.
We share our thoughts together.
We were two, now we are one.
*
It's times like these that makes me rethink my priorities and know who's and what's more important.
I should be a wedding planner. Good business.
Wednesday
I Can't Wait...
...To be loafing around again.
...To be REALLY developing some good finger skills on my left hand...I can't seem to feel my middle finger (absolutely no pun intended)
...To be getting my pride and joy. Just hope it is worth the pride and the joy for it. Ish.
...To be spending time with him!
...To be spending time with him! (repeated that on purpose.)
...To get myself prep and ready for uni. (Okay, maybe that is something I still can wait about.)
...To see Jamie dear girl again.
...To go and take the fatty flab out of my tummy! (Sherry, don't smirk or spat or grimace or roll your eyes...I may be thin but I'm not fatless...haahaha)
...To be fit. Maybe get an outdoor activity or whatever.
...To be 20 and start behaving like a 20 year old!
...To be doing things that I want to do but can't because I am working.
...To redecorate my room (I have been saying that to myself ten thousand times!)
...To sleep.
May. A month of many surprises, events, joys and tears.
This is the year of building faith.
January was a kidsy-witsy month where I had to deal with someone whom I had to hurt. And of course, got to meet up with Carissa and Chia Pei.
February was the month where I changed hairstyle,changed name got a job which I am still in today. I can even be mistaken for a full-time staff! Worry sick about my results and learn the meaning of letting go. It was the month where I got irritated with the whole world, especially with the people who are closer to home (no, not my family) but people whom I had trusted. Then I struggled with the decision of leaving.
March was the month where I got my results, learned of God's faithfulness again. The month where I applied for every uni possible. The month where I am more relax in work. The month when I am starting to forget a friend. The month where I bonded with my CG members and got to know them better. The month where I got a new brother. The month where I got to know three non-CG members better. The month when the decision of leaving really hits me.
April is the month that I'm getting pretty much stressed out at work. April is the month where I am learning to be a 20 year old. 3 of my friends had their birthday in April. April is the month where I got two interviews. April is the month where I got to know someone in Aussie better. April is the month where I realise how introvert I have become. April is the month where I look at my negativity and depression and say to them, "I don't want you to be my friends anymore." April is the month where May will come.
May will be the month of the last leg of this chapter of my life. May will be the month I am looking forward to, and at the same time...I would dread it's coming all over again.
Welcome, May.
...To be REALLY developing some good finger skills on my left hand...I can't seem to feel my middle finger (absolutely no pun intended)
...To be getting my pride and joy. Just hope it is worth the pride and the joy for it. Ish.
...To be spending time with him!
...To be spending time with him! (repeated that on purpose.)
...To get myself prep and ready for uni. (Okay, maybe that is something I still can wait about.)
...To see Jamie dear girl again.
...To go and take the fatty flab out of my tummy! (Sherry, don't smirk or spat or grimace or roll your eyes...I may be thin but I'm not fatless...haahaha)
...To be fit. Maybe get an outdoor activity or whatever.
...To be 20 and start behaving like a 20 year old!
...To be doing things that I want to do but can't because I am working.
...To redecorate my room (I have been saying that to myself ten thousand times!)
...To sleep.
May. A month of many surprises, events, joys and tears.
This is the year of building faith.
January was a kidsy-witsy month where I had to deal with someone whom I had to hurt. And of course, got to meet up with Carissa and Chia Pei.
February was the month where I changed hairstyle,
March was the month where I got my results, learned of God's faithfulness again. The month where I applied for every uni possible. The month where I am more relax in work. The month when I am starting to forget a friend. The month where I bonded with my CG members and got to know them better. The month where I got a new brother. The month where I got to know three non-CG members better. The month when the decision of leaving really hits me.
April is the month that I'm getting pretty much stressed out at work. April is the month where I am learning to be a 20 year old. 3 of my friends had their birthday in April. April is the month where I got two interviews. April is the month where I got to know someone in Aussie better. April is the month where I realise how introvert I have become. April is the month where I look at my negativity and depression and say to them, "I don't want you to be my friends anymore." April is the month where May will come.
May will be the month of the last leg of this chapter of my life. May will be the month I am looking forward to, and at the same time...I would dread it's coming all over again.
Welcome, May.
Sunday
Operation "Be-Real"
This is my current desktop image.
Courtesy of PixelGirlPresent (picture have been resized to 200xsomething)
Why did I put this up?
Because I didn't like my previous operation..
So now I revised it, changing the name even, cutting short some stuff...
Officially called Operation "Be-Real-Rebekah"
No more below 20 year-old behaviour...
So friends, please keep me accountable so I don't behave like a kiddish kid. *beaming like a small little girl...wait...that is so not suppose to happen..
*
Any guitar experts who have been playing years and years of guitar can give me some tips on which is the best one to buy? No Taylor, Fender or Gibson...anything that is above RM900, I humbly beseige you to keep your tongues...DEFINITELY no Taylors...I know Dave, it's like the best to you, but really, unless you buy for me then it's a different idea altogether. :)
*
I love reading Carissa's blog...esp the latest one...SO SO SO ... what's the word...romantic. *beaming
*
I saw neither of my two brothers...oh wait, one is in India so obviously I won't even see him...so kinda miss them...but oh well, I'm not going to sob over it. Like the song says, "But you don't know what you've got till it's gone."
Courtesy of PixelGirlPresent (picture have been resized to 200xsomething)
Why did I put this up?
Because I didn't like my previous operation..
So now I revised it, changing the name even, cutting short some stuff...
Officially called Operation "Be-Real-Rebekah"
No more below 20 year-old behaviour...
So friends, please keep me accountable so I don't behave like a kiddish kid. *beaming like a small little girl...wait...that is so not suppose to happen..
*
Any guitar experts who have been playing years and years of guitar can give me some tips on which is the best one to buy? No Taylor, Fender or Gibson...anything that is above RM900, I humbly beseige you to keep your tongues...DEFINITELY no Taylors...I know Dave, it's like the best to you, but really, unless you buy for me then it's a different idea altogether. :)
*
I love reading Carissa's blog...esp the latest one...SO SO SO ... what's the word...romantic. *beaming
*
I saw neither of my two brothers...oh wait, one is in India so obviously I won't even see him...so kinda miss them...but oh well, I'm not going to sob over it. Like the song says, "But you don't know what you've got till it's gone."
Thursday
Random Ventilation
Sometimes, I don't know what to blog about.
This is one of the sometimes.
I just feel like as if I'm a huge hole that I can't get out.
I can choose to take another street, but I wanted to be smart.
Now I'm stuck.
And no more "I should have.."s! I'm sick of hearing that 3 words.
Stress does you more bad than good.
I want to runaway.
I want to hide.
Right now...I'm just feeling so chaotic inside.
These voices...they need to shut up.
...
Vent no more.
This is one of the sometimes.
I just feel like as if I'm a huge hole that I can't get out.
I can choose to take another street, but I wanted to be smart.
Now I'm stuck.
And no more "I should have.."s! I'm sick of hearing that 3 words.
Stress does you more bad than good.
I want to runaway.
I want to hide.
Right now...I'm just feeling so chaotic inside.
These voices...they need to shut up.
...
Vent no more.
Monday
Doubt vs. Faithfulness
"When God closes the door, He somehow opens the window." - Maria, Sound of Music.
When he said he will be faithful at all times, he is.
Yet, sometimes I doubt his words. I mean, after looking at so many failings, how to believe someone when they say they will be faithful?
It is insane how things work out. It's amazing how it works out.
And it was this time that I doubted his capabilities and doubted myself. Was so near shock when the person over the line broke the news to me. You mean, it's even possible that I won't even have a chance to be interviewed? I doubted. My mind filled with so many unsettled thoughts. In the end, I just feel like giving up. Giving up and never pick it up again.
Yet, yet, yet...he already picked the pieces up for me. I just didn't have enough love to trust him.
[Edit]: Not forgiving some person in your life can eat you up like a gnawing beast. So quickly forgive that person (as in completely forgive and when you remember that person, you remember that person without a thought of revenge in your heart) and it will set you free. This is not some biblical principle, it's the truth. Try it!
When he said he will be faithful at all times, he is.
Yet, sometimes I doubt his words. I mean, after looking at so many failings, how to believe someone when they say they will be faithful?
It is insane how things work out. It's amazing how it works out.
And it was this time that I doubted his capabilities and doubted myself. Was so near shock when the person over the line broke the news to me. You mean, it's even possible that I won't even have a chance to be interviewed? I doubted. My mind filled with so many unsettled thoughts. In the end, I just feel like giving up. Giving up and never pick it up again.
Yet, yet, yet...he already picked the pieces up for me. I just didn't have enough love to trust him.
[Edit]: Not forgiving some person in your life can eat you up like a gnawing beast. So quickly forgive that person (as in completely forgive and when you remember that person, you remember that person without a thought of revenge in your heart) and it will set you free. This is not some biblical principle, it's the truth. Try it!
Sunday
Sovereignity vs. Sin
If it's only so easy to live without the problems of this life.
To tell you the truth, I don't know what phase am I living in now. Am I living in a depression mode or a mixed mode?
If it's only so easy to live in a virtual world.
To tell you the truth, someday we will need to wake up to the real world. Might as well wake up now.
If it's only so easy to be his lily-white princess.
To tell you the truth, the more I want to be lily-white, the darker my journey becomes.
It is my choice to be lily-white.
It is my choice to sin.
I get to choose. Sovereignity or Sin?
[edit]: having real good friends that can make me laugh lifts my spirit. Lynn, thanks for being so passionate in music as I do. And for making me laugh even now as we MSN. Nick, thanks for the conversation we are having now. You're the best.
To tell you the truth, I don't know what phase am I living in now. Am I living in a depression mode or a mixed mode?
If it's only so easy to live in a virtual world.
To tell you the truth, someday we will need to wake up to the real world. Might as well wake up now.
If it's only so easy to be his lily-white princess.
To tell you the truth, the more I want to be lily-white, the darker my journey becomes.
It is my choice to be lily-white.
It is my choice to sin.
I get to choose. Sovereignity or Sin?
[edit]: having real good friends that can make me laugh lifts my spirit. Lynn, thanks for being so passionate in music as I do. And for making me laugh even now as we MSN. Nick, thanks for the conversation we are having now. You're the best.
Thursday
It Hurts To Leave, But It's Good to Go
One more month, and I will be a distant friend to something I was once close to. My heart tugged hard whenever I see my fellow friends. They reminded me of a time where I struggled, laughed and grew.
Yet, yet, yet...when it's time to leave, it's time to leave..
Only I wished the leaving part will not be so tough.
I'm leaving to another world,
To another age,
Another dimension
In time if I return
I shall come
To see your face
To be with you once again...
-Danielle Avril
Yet, yet, yet...when it's time to leave, it's time to leave..
Only I wished the leaving part will not be so tough.
I'm leaving to another world,
To another age,
Another dimension
In time if I return
I shall come
To see your face
To be with you once again...
-Danielle Avril
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