Retrospect: MadWorld

(picture by Stanley Woo)

Sure, MadWorld is not over yet. Two weeks later and we will be starting our 2nd leg of the production at SIB KL.

But if I could rewind and then slow down time, I can still remember the scenes as if it just happened yesterday. Wait. The last show in DUMC did happened just yesterday! :P

I still remember the first day we came for briefing in SIB. That was way back in August. We were all shy and awkward as this was the first time 2 churches were collaborating together for a Christmas production. At least I was the shy one. I remember feeling a bit stressed out at the amount of days that I have to come for rehearsals. Man, it was... intense, to say the least! In my mind I was like, "God, I want to quit already!" That time we were unsure of what was going to happen, except it was going to be really crazy in the next few months to come.

Fast forward 3 months and here we are in the 4th month together as a team. We have went through some dissension among us but it was all quickly resolved at the next minute itself. We have all laughed and cried together, held hands together while we prayed for each other; we have even carried each other on our backs literally! Well, some did. Not forgetting to mention about wasting yummy eggs together by freefalling them on a cold windy afternoon, or doing crazy warm ups and focus exercises, having epic face expressions and even staying quiet together, just enjoying each other's company.

And I can now see the smiles etched not just on our faces, but in our hearts as well. Seeing each other almost every day, we were able to grow together, not just in our skills and talents, but also in our love for God and for each other. Sure, we could hate and get sick of each other, but somehow, we didn't.

Standing at a dimly lit backstage while waiting for our cues, I can see our principals being prepped in their corners. I can see our stage managers standing by at their positions with their walkie earpiece transmitter thingie in their fingers, ready to receive and transmit messages to the front of house. I can also see the dancers warming up while holding smiles on their faces. I can see the wardrobe people and makeup artists, along with the hairstylists standing or sitting in their stations, staring at the TV inside the dressing rooms, anticipating. I can also see the singers in their party clothes and hats, just waiting to go clubbing. ;)

And then change of scenes. I can see the casts running across the backstage to reach their dressing rooms just in time to change quickly. And I hear the drums outside while the two principals, Adam and Lucas, meets in an encounter. I then see the cast members, each having a different expression on their faces, listening and watching intently for their turn.

I then see the casts once again in changed clothes, ready to go on stage. I see the ballerinas in their detailed white dresses. I remember our faces as we told each other to smile, as we were bringing our final piece of the MadWorld message to the audience. "There are no orphans of God..."

I remember the screams and shouts of the casts and crew behind stage once everything was over. In the dimly lit corridor, our joyful cheers or praise was louder than what was outside. It didn't matter if we slipped up, messed up or forgot our steps or lines. It was a joy just to be with each other, to serve alongside and to speak the gospel to the audience together. I remember the faces of everyone, cast and crew, how they glowed as their stress and pressure dropped, with nothing else but to celebrate the goodness.

Yet, it was such a humbling thought that it was only by grace we were saved, and it was only by grace that we could stand shoulder to shoulder, face the storm together in love and come out bruised, wounded, but victorious. Victorious because of our first Love. The Love that brought us together, the Love that kept us going, the Love that bind us together.

If I ever forget anything about MadWorld, may it never be that of the fellowship, the unity and the love we shared for each other, and especially the Love who is the beginning and the end of MadWorld.

MadWorld

Have been busy preparing for this musical but not a musical MadWorld.

What's MadWorld? And what is a musical but not a musical?

Well, it's hard to really describe it in one sentence or shorter except it's.. mad?? And quite experimental theatrics really.

LOL.

Details are here: http://madworld.my



It's only getting madder. ;)

The Now, The Dream...

I could never love again

When there’s just so much pain

You could never change

Nothing could ever be the same

I was a fool to think

That you were everything

To me it was like heaven

But then you were only human

Fall from the sky above

Hitting hard on the earth

Hope diminishes so quickly

You conquested so easily

I wish it is all a dream

But these tears has streamed

Down without restriction

It was all pretentious affection

I could never love again

When there’s just so much pain

You were all that I need

Guess I was too naive

Finally...

Since I'm resting for two weeks, here's something overdue.

Without A Voice

I had laryngitis.

Never had it.

And now my vocal cords are still not returning to its normal condition.

One of the worst vocal rest I have to take.

Have been thinking, if I don't ever regain that voice to sing again, I won't lose my faith in the One who has the best plans for me. It's the equivalent of I have lost this, I don't want to lose that.

It's been a challenging ride, truly.

But one I know will make my faith genuine and my relationship with God real. Because if I cannot go to Him when times are bad, I have no one else to go to. I've experienced life alone and that truly...sucks. There's a sense of lost and utter despair, like all is meaningless.

I live because He lives. Let me surrender fully.

I don't want to be long-winded and rant on and on. I could say more, but this is what my heart's deepest voice.

Even if I can't ever sing again.


But of course, it would be great if I can sing again. Duh. But that should not be my priority.

Yes, it does hurt. I am confused. But I am certain He has the best in mind. That's the truth I know. Jer 29:11

AMEN.

Fear vs. Faith

As I'm writing this, I am experiencing God's amazing love for me.

My week started really on the wrong foot. I was struggling between my flesh and my spirit and my physical illness wasn't helping at all. So I was truly tired and feeling so lost, distraught and dispirited. I was really at the spiritual low.

Wednesday came and I was really tired and I finally made a really desperate cry to God, "God, I know the battle belongs to You, but I'm really tired. Would You help me?!"

It was like a cry of Psalm 28:1-2

To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.

Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.

If God did not answer me, I would have seriously felt like as if death was upon me.

And beautifully, as I was just working in the office and still facing a lot of inner struggle, God, through Vanness Wu's tweet, spoke to me. Vanness wrote Ephesians 1 in his tweet and so because I needed God's answer so much, I decided, hey why not, just read. I believe God has a word in season. And truly, this was beautiful.

As I read Ephesians 1, my heart is just moved. I won't write the whole passage down, but the passage just revealed God's heart. He's a loving loving Father who longs to share with us the knowledge about Him but He's not going to let us do it alone, that's why He gave us His Holy Spirit, and even more so, a hope that we can understand, a hope that never fails. And that God, being who He is, is great. He is all-powerful, never failing nor faltering. His promises, He will deliver.

It's just so beautiful, so encouraging. As I also sat down for lunch with my colleague, we shared about some people's faith that is so strong, because they know, not what they feel, but because they know that Jesus is the Lord, they could stand strong. And it was even more encouraging.

Beautiful. And because our God is all-powerful, He can do immeasurably more than what we can ask or imagine. Read and think about the word immeasurable. It means it cannot be measured. There's no limit, no boundaries. Immeasurable. I think humans are generally quite imaginative people, but even beyond what we can imagine.

Such comfort from the Word and fellowship with His people! I tasted first hand truly the comfort the Word and fellowship brings!

After all that encouragement, my music school called and asked me if I would like to perform for an opening act for a concert they are holding. I was excited, shocked and bewildered. I couldn't even imagine getting through my exam, much lesser to perform in a very public setting.

It was like as if God opened the door wide, but get this: He opened the door of opportunity only after I could reconcile in faith and belief in Him. Only when He could work in me than could only He use me.

I said yes, decided that it was a God-given opportunity and went for rehearsals started a few days before. I didn't know the song, even more so for the lyrics, but praise God, every step of the way He prepared and helped me to get the melody in a night and the lyrics in 2 nights. I'm still shaky bout the lyrics, but I could memorise the words, just not the sequence.

The next thing I knew, one thing led to another, I realised that it was not an opening but a closing act. The song I will perform is suppose to be the pinnacle of the night.

Now get this: Except for leading worship in a congregation about 100+ people or less, and singing a song for a school competition in front of an audience of about 300 people, I have not done any public secular performance in audience of 500 strong, more so a rock song with live audio and video recording, costumes and all.

When that dawned upon me just a couple of hours ago, I freaked.

I truly freaked. Ask me to lead worship and I can do it in a heartbeat, well, almost. But when I realised the importance of my performance, I truly freaked. I had so much fear in my heart, the only thing I could say is "GOD, I CAN'T DO THIS!" I feel like asking God if He can just close the door now, or if I can just say, sorry, no can't do. I'd rather face the shame of myself not being able to step out from my fear than go all out, whether or not I will look silly on stage.

It was almost crippling, this fear. I really felt like I should just quit straight away. I have less than a week till showday and I am totally freaking out.

But God, being the GOD that He is, decided to teach me a lesson on faith and trust again. But in a different way this time. I asked my parents to pray for me and tears was just flowing down. And you know what? My fears began to subside. Confidence and peace began to come in.

Just about 45 minutes ago, I took to my knees, still tearing, just amazed at how fast peace and confidence came, that I am truly assured that He had given me this opportunity and He wanted me to go for it. And praise just came out from my lips. I kid you not. Songs just came to my lips:

You are the peace that guards my heart
My help in time of need
You are the hope that leads me on
And brings me to my knees

For there I find You waiting
And there I find release
So with all my heart I'll worship
And unto You I sing

For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we worship and adore You
Father we long to seek Your face

For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father we love You
And we worship You this day

And another just came:

You are my light and salvation
Whom shall I fear
You are the strength of all my days
Of whom shall I be afraid
Though war may rise against me
Of this will I be sure

That I will bless the Lord forever
I'll bless Your holy name
And I will bless the Lord forever
I'll bless Your holy name

You ask me who do I
Say that You are and I
Say that You are the Christ
Son of the living God

Indeed! If God is the living God, even wars and battles rages against me, I can stand strong because He will never leave me nor forsake me, He will fight the battle for me, and He will give me strength!

Oh, how beautiful.

How He loves me.

Oh, how I love Him.

Perfect love drives out all fear. And God is able to give me more faith. I am not doing this for myself, I've made myself clear, I'm doing this for God, because I want to let everyone know that I am who I am today or I can achieve all these because of God's favor and protection. He has kept me close to Him in this journey I'm on, never letting me go. And if I'm doing this for Him, I need to let go and let Him. All I can do is walk by faith. Trust Him to give me the ideas to bring the crowd up. I have led worship before, so I know how to do this, even in a secular setting, yes! I may not be singing a worship song, but my life is worship. I am a living sacrifice, a living worship to Him. And that is the most important. No matter what song I sing, I'm singing for the glory of God and God can do so much for me by protecting me, guarding me and watching over my steps. He is the light unto my path and lamp unto my feet after all.

Oh, how His Words comfort!

In Christ alone
I place my trust,
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is CHRIST alone!

One more song before I end:

I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fears
He has set my feet upon the rock

And I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield
My strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
For You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord

This is my story, this is my song, praising my Saviour all the day long~

When Five Fell & At Musing's End

Written and directed by Wesley Chan of Wong Fu Productions, produced together with Philip Wang and Ted Fu.

Gripe: Didn't like the way they used Jesus' name back there.

I love When Five Fall more than At Musing's End. They are both good, but I liked the idea of a different perspective of boy meets girl. It's supposed to be a prologue, but I actually believe When Five Fall could very well be just a standalone short.

All in all, I loved how Wes incorporated a lot of beautiful cinematography into the shorts. Never a dull moment. It has a very quiet yet thoughtful feel to the whole thing. It was like a musing indeed. And the way the story was laid out was very different, despite a familiar story idea.

Yes, I'm a sucker for drama and very beautiful, well-thought-of cinematography. I love beautiful direction. And with good story, if not great, I'm totally head over heels.

When Five Fell

Five different perspective on love from the most ordinary objects. And the cinematography. OMG. So beautiful.

Poignant

Life can get you down, but by learning to appreciate what you have, things do look better.

I Wish...

They don't have to be so critical.

I don't have to be so critical.

목소리야...미안. 고생이 많아서..

BLA BLA

I have absolutely nothing on my mind now to write.

It's not that my mind is blank. My mind is just filled with all sorts of things that it sorta tangled up, lost its way and made a mess of itself.


Hmm. I found inspiration.


People always say
That sadness brings out the words within
I thought I was the same
It turns out a little different today

My mind is not filled with just you
It's not filled with anything inspirational
Too much thoughts about everything
I've made a mess of me

Friends always tell me
That I could do with more than a frown
I thought maybe it's you
But turns out to be different today

My mind is not filled with just you
It's not filled with anything inspirational
Too much thoughts about everything
I've made a mess of me

So maybe I need to smile again
So maybe you can help me
Or maybe it's just me

My mind is not filled with just you
It's not filled with anything inspirational
Too much thoughts about everything
I've made a mess of me

My mind is not filled with just you
Too much thoughts about everything

ADELE - 'Make You Feel My Love'

Written on Twitter

Ahead of me lies the ocean. So much uncertainties and the unknown, but I do know One that walks on water, parts the ocean and calms the seas.

Been hinted on something big to come. But it may not be big at all. Or it may not come at all. Whatever it is, I'm not going to keep my hopes up, cause first and foremost, is for His glory. He say okay, means get onto the water. If not, there's still a mountain to see. He'll always have a better plan in mind.

Love this God of mine.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
I'm gonna let it shine!!

Running The Race Part 3: Bye Bye Self-Conscious + Gentleness

Part 2 didn't go well.

At all.

So I decided that it's okay. We fail sometimes, doesn't mean we should give up!

So...third month.

I've been struggling a lot about self-consciousness which leads to kinda a lot of things. Long story short, life sucked for that part of it, no thanks to that.

So I want to be more than this.

In conjunction with that, I'll be learning how to be more gentle a.k.a more patient a.k.a choosing to do things in love.

Yup, nods to the 365 Days of Love project by many people around the world. Since half the year has already gone. I only have August, September, October, November and December left...so I can't call it 365 Days now? (Well, technically, I can, but...)

Will be heading to the studio for a while. And gonna venture into songwriting! I tend to make up really lame stuff in my head, maybe I should go into comedy.

. . .

Uh. No.

Story Idea 3: Violin

I usually have ideas for music videos more than movies or dramas. Perhaps it's because one of my dreams is to direct a music video. :/

But the below is just a story idea. No particular genre or medium in mind.

**

There's a girl who likes to cycle a lot. She cycled to almost everywhere she goes. She don't consider it as a sport. She just likes to cycle, see everything's that's around her and then appreciate what she have in life.

Because.

She doesn't have hands.

From the title you can see that music must have been related. Well...partly true. No, she's not a piano player. Rather, she builds violins! (How's that for a job description?)

She was born with hands, but due to an accident, she lost both limbs. She wanted to create another Stradivarius but now she can't.

Dejected? Yes.

It was through a friend that she learned to cycle. Her friend? She met at the physical rehab. ..

**

I'm distracted by trying to help another friend with his/her dilemma. So before I start writing cliches like her-friend-doesn't-have-legs-and-was-a-cyclist-but-he-has-hands...

Cold-hearted?

Just received news about a certain friend's relative.

Reminds me of how fragile life is.

Honestly, when it comes to these kind of situations, I really don't know how I can comfort the person. Do I just sit next to them and not say anything, only comforting them with my presence? Or do I say something? Or do I just pray?

Humans can be so complex nowadays that we often need wisdom to handle these situations!

Throughout the years, I've learned to just shut up. Partly it's because not everyone appreciate a word of encouragement, also partly because I don't know what to say at all. Then, it's best not to say anything at all.

Perhaps then, people find me cold. Cause I just quietly do things for that person and then tell everyone to shush off. Then again, that's my language of apology as well I guess. Or maybe it's just a thought by my own complicated brain. Haha.

Usually, during these times, I want to write a song of hope for them. It's always like that. When I meet these situations, I want to write a song. But unfortunately, my brain gets stuck in that department. Heh.

Sigh. I wish I have wisdom like Jesus. I think He'll know what's the best response.

**

On another note, looks like I get affected quite easily about things as well. Perhaps that's why sometimes I choose not to read news etc because I don't want to get myself depressed as well. Sigh. Looks like I have a long way more to go.

빨리 끝났으면 좋겠어. :(

RIP

Today I switched on Twitter just to receive news that Hallyu star, Park Yong Ha has apparently committed suicide.

Read the whole story over here at Dramabeans.

I don't know what to think, except that it's so freaking sad that someone has to choose to end their life this way.

My prayers and cries go out to Park Shi Yeon (his good friend who was the last to contact him), So Ji Sub (besties), his father and especially his mother, and to all his friends and family.

Man, I didn't even watch this guy's dramas before, except Park Hyo Shin's "After Love" MV with him and Park Shi Yeon.

And to think...

Sigh.

I pray and hope that none will happen again. This is just too hard a fact to swallow. I really hoped it was an April Fool's joke or whatever.

Goodbye forever, Park Yong Ha sunbaenim. You will be missed.

Story Idea 2: Mirror

It's only when we keep on writing, then we become more original I guess.

**

A man lost his fiancee to a kidnapping ring when a rescue operation gone terribly wrong. He suffered a great deal because of the loss and buried himself with work and lecturing. He is a part-time lecturer in the university he studied. The new semester started and one day, as he was lecturing, a latecomer walked in and shocked him. She had the same face as his fiancee.

Curious and bewildered, he tried to search more into her identity, but it seems that she was not related to his fiancee in any way, other than they had the same facial features. Worse, is that she's similar with his fiancee in terms of personality as well. She's extroverted and often late for appointments, just like his fiancee, except she's got a huge passion for animals and drinks like anything. His fiancee hated animals and has a very low tolerance for alcohol.

The man could not help but fall in love for her as she was so similar to his late love. His fiancee's parents, who had been supporting him and been his family throughout the years, were very surprised and confused, and they could not support his choice. To them, he was as if, still stuck in the past. They hoped he would find himself a nice girl, someone more different...

The thing he couldn't get out of his head however was the identity of the girl. She appeared to be an adopted daughter of a laundrymat owner. The father is a burly but quiet man. He refused to divulge any secrets regarding his daughter.

One day the girl went missing, and the man's fears resurfaces again. After trying so many ways to contact her, she appeared outside his house and revealed something about herself...

...

(Ending unknown)

***

Melodrama? Thriller? Horror? Sci-Fi? Fantasy? Wow. Quite a lot of genres.

Story Idea 1: Untitled

I still dream to write for a film/drama one day. Or at least direct one. Hehe. That's my dream.

I tend to write melodrama. So sue me. And right now, it's very Korean. :P

***

3 years ago, a woman decided to end life support for her husband. Her husband was a elite ski jumper but got into an accident that caused him to be brain dead. It was a difficult decision but she did it.

For 3 years she has been plagued with the same nightmare, in which she would always wake up crying and regretting that she has pulled the plug. She often wonders if she did not do it, will he wake up?

Everyone around her tried to comfort her and tell her that it's okay, but she still get those nightmares.

One day she met a 11-year-old girl in the bookshop where she and her husband used to always patronize but she stopped going after her husband died. The girl has just lost her parents in a skiing accident 3 months ago and the only place she find solace is the bookshop, which her parents owned and ran. The woman and the girl bonded.

Her nightmares have gotten worse, causing the woman to lose sleep. She lost her job and wonder if there's anything left for her to live. She considered taking her own life but was stopped by a phone call from the girl. The girl was celebrating her birthday and she wanted her friend to be with her.

She then remembered, that the day was her wedding anniversary. Reluctantly she went and celebrate the birthday with the girl. She was surprised when the girl passed her a letter addressed to her. Her husband had passed the letter to the little girl to ask her to pass the letter to his wife on their 10th wedding anniversary, which was that day itself. Overwhelmed, the woman broke down in tears.

...

(Ending unknown)

***

I wanted to write a longer thing but I figured a short film will do. I guess there's a lot of things people deal with regarding this life-support thing. The trauma that they go through. But my idea unfortunately ended there. Heh.

Yet Another Cover

I should do a video cover next time. Need to quickly post up something for my audition maybe?? ^^

Looking Through His Eyes

A Korean pen-pal thought I was Korean by looking at my family name.

This gave me a thought.

We are actually all the same. All of us have the same color of blood. African, American, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, European, Middle Eastern, Mediterranean, etc...

And the fact that we can learn about each other's culture and language says that we are equal. An African can speak Chinese as well, if not, better than I do and similarly, I can learn his/her language as well, may it be Swahili or Zulu.

I think this race barrier can only be lifted when we see that we are equal and when we are filled with love for other people. And for me, this kind of love can only come from understanding and from the Source Himself.

Not only so, when we look through His eyes, then we can learn to see the rich, the poor, the highly-ranked or the untouchables with the same eyes. We are all but humans and though we may be varied in terms of skin, language, culture, status, education and etc factors, we are all humans, created in the image of God, and we all flow the same kind of blood.

So, let us never look at another human being with our own eyes, but looking at them with eyes of Love, eyes of His. An area I have to learn as well.


**

I'm learning lots of things from God, and over time I forget them again. But gentle reminders, sometimes maybe not so gentle, will wake me up to this again. But...I do hope I don't forget my lessons... Heh.

An Impromptu Performance

From FB:

We didn't practice much, but then we went ahead and sang for a cousin's wedding. My little cousin decided to join us to be the star of the night. The one playing the guitar is my budding singer-songwriter cousin Sherin (check out her page!) Yeah, then due to our lack of practice, we kinda messed up in the end. LOL. :P But it was good fun.

Running the Race Month 2

Month 1 is over...technically. :P (I can't actually remember!)

But yeah, so off to Month 2.

This morning I woke up and I realised that I don't have lots of love to give, perhaps it's due to the FACT that I'm not always thankful!

That's why I get stressed up quite quickly. Haha.

Hmmph.

So Month 2 will start 16th June, ends on 15th July.

Will update on how Month 1 went!

From Twitter:

God taught me a few lessons today: 1) Need to trust His love completely to step out from fear. 2) Trust in the Lord completely and not lean on your own understanding. Meaning to totally lean on God that I'm off balance if He's not there! 3) Everyone is special in their own way. Don't need to compare. 4) It's okay to make mistakes. It's not the end of the world. God is still sovereign. 5) Step out in love and humility.

Incorporation

When people talk about singing, we have lots of things we can discuss about. But surely the one thing that audiences always talk about would be the feeling they get from the singing and the music itself.

Though I find singing very much self-gratification at times, it's also very obvious that singing or music is very important for others. Music expresses our soul, expresses our thoughts and putting those emotions that usually cannot be express just with words.

I believe that's why God gave us arts, to express ourselves fully.

But somehow when we cannot tap into our hearts, we cannot let the art flow out of us. My vocal teacher mentioned that it's with love that we can truly express ourselves.

Hmm..whatever happened to restrain? Hehe.


Though I think love should be given out generously, without any returns, I also believe that love brings itself risks. Only one who dare to love will dare to risk everything for love.


Anywayz.

Singing actually requires lots of acting. Not everyone will have experiences of falling in love, breaking up, losing loved ones, rebellion, etc the same way and the same story. And we will sing songs of a different story, of different experiences.

So we have to learn to take stories from other people and live out their character for a while, during the duration of the song. That's why I find it difficult and yet necessary to learn and cultivate the acting in me.

BUT...I must learn to balance everything out. Because balance is the key! And who is the Master of Balance? God of course.

Well, now, I have to learn to incorporate more emotions into my songs.

Love more. Love more. Love more.