This Road

I haven't been updating this blog eh?

Well, things have been mundane or busy. There's been lots of things on my mind sometimes, and sometimes I slump into a state of trance-like...well, slump.

So it came a time of self-chastising and some reflection time. Things need to be re-prioritized yet again.

And so I've decided. It's only been a few weeks that I was sure that this road was somewhere I wanted to go on. Well, it may lead to a different path a few months, years down the road, it depends really on where God decides to lead me. Detour, roadblock etc.

But so far so good? He has been opening doors for me. I'm glad.

Time to invest in an iPad. Hehe. I think it will help me plan my life around a bit without all that hassle of a data plan.

Well, only time will tell if I ever get that.


But back to the road I'm on, it's just a matter of my character or lack thereof sustaining me or...not.

I haven't been practicing my writing hand (erm, keyboard) but it shouldn't stop me from continuing. I have many interests, me being so easily interested in so many things. But it's time to focus.

Language + music + dance + drama + character building + Jesus = fulfilling 2011 hopefully. *prays

I Wish...

They don't have to be so critical.

I don't have to be so critical.

목소리야...미안. 고생이 많아서..

Cold-hearted?

Just received news about a certain friend's relative.

Reminds me of how fragile life is.

Honestly, when it comes to these kind of situations, I really don't know how I can comfort the person. Do I just sit next to them and not say anything, only comforting them with my presence? Or do I say something? Or do I just pray?

Humans can be so complex nowadays that we often need wisdom to handle these situations!

Throughout the years, I've learned to just shut up. Partly it's because not everyone appreciate a word of encouragement, also partly because I don't know what to say at all. Then, it's best not to say anything at all.

Perhaps then, people find me cold. Cause I just quietly do things for that person and then tell everyone to shush off. Then again, that's my language of apology as well I guess. Or maybe it's just a thought by my own complicated brain. Haha.

Usually, during these times, I want to write a song of hope for them. It's always like that. When I meet these situations, I want to write a song. But unfortunately, my brain gets stuck in that department. Heh.

Sigh. I wish I have wisdom like Jesus. I think He'll know what's the best response.

**

On another note, looks like I get affected quite easily about things as well. Perhaps that's why sometimes I choose not to read news etc because I don't want to get myself depressed as well. Sigh. Looks like I have a long way more to go.

빨리 끝났으면 좋겠어. :(

Running the Race Month 2

Month 1 is over...technically. :P (I can't actually remember!)

But yeah, so off to Month 2.

This morning I woke up and I realised that I don't have lots of love to give, perhaps it's due to the FACT that I'm not always thankful!

That's why I get stressed up quite quickly. Haha.

Hmmph.

So Month 2 will start 16th June, ends on 15th July.

Will update on how Month 1 went!

Incorporation

When people talk about singing, we have lots of things we can discuss about. But surely the one thing that audiences always talk about would be the feeling they get from the singing and the music itself.

Though I find singing very much self-gratification at times, it's also very obvious that singing or music is very important for others. Music expresses our soul, expresses our thoughts and putting those emotions that usually cannot be express just with words.

I believe that's why God gave us arts, to express ourselves fully.

But somehow when we cannot tap into our hearts, we cannot let the art flow out of us. My vocal teacher mentioned that it's with love that we can truly express ourselves.

Hmm..whatever happened to restrain? Hehe.


Though I think love should be given out generously, without any returns, I also believe that love brings itself risks. Only one who dare to love will dare to risk everything for love.


Anywayz.

Singing actually requires lots of acting. Not everyone will have experiences of falling in love, breaking up, losing loved ones, rebellion, etc the same way and the same story. And we will sing songs of a different story, of different experiences.

So we have to learn to take stories from other people and live out their character for a while, during the duration of the song. That's why I find it difficult and yet necessary to learn and cultivate the acting in me.

BUT...I must learn to balance everything out. Because balance is the key! And who is the Master of Balance? God of course.

Well, now, I have to learn to incorporate more emotions into my songs.

Love more. Love more. Love more.

Perseverance

I sang.

Beyonce's Listen.

And I think I quite flunked it. Didn't think I gave my best there.

Now I can't sleep.


Cause I want to really go and train up the stamina, tone up and get my singing chops right.

Don't want to find myself frustrated everytime I sing something.

I can do it!



Perseverance.


Edit: Okay, I can't sleep because for some unknown reasons I'm pretty wide awake. I didn't really care with whether it was good singing or not. Because at least I delivered quite my best that time. :D

Being Me

(pic from sxc.hu michaelaw)

Eyes On You...is going here and there. LOL. It's not exactly going great, but it's not going bad either.

Learning about God's love cuts away the burden of blaming myself when things don't work out. I can finally say, it's okay, I can do it again.

Friday night was a great night. I had lots of opportunities, I looked to God and I got my singing performance steady. I hope it'll get better with each practice. I haven't got the emotions and some technicalities correct, but He is the reason why I can truly sing well!

But I was glad, I could be myself. When I can be myself, I can show love to others in ways unimaginable. When I don't need to restrict myself and have to pretend to be ladylike or whatever, I can then truly be ladylike and myself...whatever 'ladylike' means.

I love that sense of freedom.

But I do need to correct my posture. Walk with confidence babe!


Late nights + emo songs (+ rain) = Perfect end to a night. Gets reflective.

Run the Race Month 1: Eyes On You

I'm starting a new monthly resolution thing. I know. It's not at the start of the month, but hey, anytime is a good time, no?

This month will be from 16th May to 15th June.

What resolution, you ask me?


I hope to maintain a focus on God everyday in whatever I do. I always have this habit that in the morning I am with God, afternoon comes and God goes to sleep (just kidding) and then at the night time God is back.

Now, as the day goes on, I tend to forget about God, especially in activities that actually needs God the most - work/classes. Things that demand my passion like music can easily lead my focus away, unfortunately. Furthermore, I'm pretty much easily distracted and easily anxious. When I'm anxious and distracted, heh.

So I'm gonna try to make God the center of my life, everyday, every hour, every minute...

When God is in the center of my life, everything falls into place. I'll get to learn how to balance between my passions, I'll get to learn how to manage my time better, my temper and my pride better. (Okay, maybe more like get rid of my pride, but yeah.) And, the more I'm aware of God's presence in my life, the more I will be able to love God and my neighbors.

So. In Hebrews 12, the writer exhorts all Christians to fix our eyes on the Author and Perfecter of our faith as we run the race. So me, being all catchphrase-frenzy, have penned this: "Eyes On You". Self-explanatory right?

I won't blog everyday to jot down how I have succeeded or failed (yes, I predict failures to come sometimes), though if you are following me on twitter (twitter.com/_ekahre), I'll try to tweet something up everyday. :P

Please pray for me. It's a bit unorthodox, but I'm doing this for my growth. It's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be worth it. I want to be able to totally focus on Christ, even when mountains fall and the circumstances of life bogs me down, it will be Him, Him, Him.


Tomorrow!


Fighting!


EYES ON YOU!

Holding In

I like lightning bolts.

Not the kind that is real, though those are really cool.

Though it's painful, mental lightning bolts is kinda needed in our lives, to let us know about important things when we least realize it.

I like how it does to my pride. Yup, break that down.


LOL.


I may sound pretty crazy, but to me, I'm appreciative of all things that help me to grow.


It's time to stop romanticizing life. But it's never time to stop bearing fruits of the Spirit. :D

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Had a lot on my mind. I'm growing old. :D

Choices and Learning

The human brain works wonders and disasters.

Slow Down

It's been a crazy week. I woke up last Monday to have my emotions running in a rollercoaster, which continued till Tuesday until the Holy Spirit told me to pray against it, and then I am a-ok!

Praise God.

But then I went ahead and be a crazy gungho woman and practiced my song for Thursday till kingdom come, till I am quite spent.

Uh oh, VERY wrong move.

Well, it's all very good until I decided to be once again a crazy gungho woman and worked on a YouTube cover on Wednesday, this time playing the accompaniment myself.

Again, VERY wrong move.

So I thought I was up and going on Thursday, just to find out I spent my voice. Yup, that's the reason why I wrote the earlier post that I was banned. I had over-practiced my vocal cords, causing it to be quite tired. Given that my performance song (yeah, I'm practicing it for a performance in early June. Yup, practice goes all the way real early) is not exactly what you would call an easy song, to sing it on repetition mode without intermissions is like asking for the death sentence...well, almost. Also I had been sleeping late and waking up early, without a nap in between, adding to it some health problems, so I was more spent than usual.

So, I was banned. My teacher gave me fair warning that if I don't take heed her orders, I'd lose my voice for months, she raising examples of some of her students that took the same road as I did, only with more stubbornness (?).

Knowing the need for a good voice to carry that song (will reveal it one day, maybe), I really need to keep my voice in the tip-top condition.

Fast forward till today, Monday.

I have this inferior complex when I see people more talented than me. Maybe it's this pride in me that wants to compete (though really, for what purposes, still boggles my mind) so I have some regrets and today it got a little worse, back to the condition like last Tuesday.

Then I was rash and became sarcastic to my clients though trying hard to be as civil as possible. It was a small mistake, enough to drive home a point, but if I had thought things through, I would have helped in making their cooperation with us better.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.


- Proverbs 15:1

A few people had told me that I tend to want to do many things at once, causing me not being able to focus. This week had showed me that I was in a rush, I saw myself totally needing a rest and to really...slow. down.

Although it's great to want to do many things, have many dreams, but my heart has not learned to be still. Be still and know that Someone is more powerful and more sovereign, and that I don't need to prove myself, or prove my worth. Because it's not about me or what I can do, but it's about Him and what He can do through me.

I can do my best. But I need to slow down, focus on one thing at a time, and let go.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing till you get there.


-Josh Billings

I still want to do many things, but the greatest lesson I learned this week to really, slow down. Sometimes it's good to multi-task, but I need to learn to be less demanding of myself and put my trust in Him, the One who is in control, in spite of what happens.


Learning to slow down,

Banned

I'm banned from singing.

Well, at least only for a week.

Being the idiot that I was, I went and overdid my practices of belting and got myself into a fine vocal cord mess.

My teacher prescribed me a week of rest until next week's class.

I was feeling a little under the weather, but no fret, because it's God's way of making me rest as well and reminding me to not try to make things work faster, because everything has its own timing.

There goes another lesson for impatient perfectionist me.


On top of that, I am asked to eat more Oriental herbs to strengthen my lungs and airways. Wow, didn't think that singing will take up so much cash.

Oh well, it's all for the betterment of the vocal cords as well as the body. Investment is a good thing here, eh?

I have to also increase my stamina for handling stress that my diaphragm and lungs will take, so I'm actually considering dancing classes. Should I? Should I not? I am still deciding.


Learning singing has seriously been a feat. But it's been a great journey, especially the past few months. Bring on the remaining ones! :P

졸래

피곤해.

졸래.

It's funny how the night plays with your feelings and emotions.

Suddenly you feel lonely.

Suddenly you feel sad.

Suddenly you feel at peace.

Suddenly you feel blessed.

Suddenly...


Maybe perhaps that's why night is for sleep, so we emo less.


You know, I'm glad in some ways about some things.


그냥...생각이 많다. 복잡하다.

친구...없다.

What's the point of having Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and all other social networking sites when it makes you feel even more...


...alone?

Am I...?

Shallow?
Proud?
Condescending?
Hypocritical?
Pretentious?
Two-faced?
Over-confident?
Foolish?
A show-off?
...


나쁜 난
.

First Step

You know what they say about first steps in everything are the hardest to take. After then on, everything is easier.

I feel the first test has come.


My cover of Baek Ji Young 백지영's 사랑이 죄인가요 Love's Not A Crime


My cover of Tanya Chua's 空白格.


Shall do better. With proper makeup, lighting and all. XD

Heading East

I used to turn my back against the very traditions that shaped me. I didn't like my roots, didn't like how my dad gave so much emphasis to it. Didn't like. Period.

Funny.

Things turned around in my late teens. I became grateful that I had a foundation in Mandarin. I find Mandopop ballads have become more tasteful. Their MVs were done in a poetic, story-like way.

Then I went a step further. Crossing the sea, I reached a peninsula like Malaysia, except everything else is different. It boasts of one race nation, of broadband connected cities, of budding culture arena.

How did I fell in love with the Korean language and its culture? It seems similar to my own roots, except it's so different.

It was subtle, perhaps even a little discreet. I tried to hide the fact that I was learning Korean, all by myself. Then, I couldn't deny it anymore. I was immersed in almost everything Korean. Heck, the most updated playlist information are my Korean albums and singles. (They have things like cyworld which have all albums and their information, so convenient.)

But I admit, part of me wanting to learn more about the language and its culture is because of the disappointment I faced in Western entertainment and Mandarin entertainment.

But I admit still, that immersing in Korean entertainment has brought out the same kind of disappointment, perhaps a little less given their very strong roots in their Confucian traditional values, that holds some part of the value system together.

Yet, as much as I love the Korean culture, I cannot forget my roots. My Mandarin is still most familiar (besides English). My Korean...eh. Really bad, come to think of it. I know my roots most well.

And I will still hold on to the belief that Mandarin is one of the most poetic sounding language. One word means so much. Written well, it's beautiful.

But Korean, to me, still remains as the most expressive language spoken. And it still remains as a beautiful language sung.

My heart opens towards Western ideas but strangely, longs for Eastern comfort. They provoke, comfort, excite and inspire me.

Though I am nowhere near Korean ancestry (minority tribes a HUGE maybe), it does help me to be more firmly rooted in my Asian-ness. Maybe because I, being brought up in a relatively Asian-minded family, is more open to Asian grounded values. But being immersed in Eastern entertainment especially Mandarin and Korean does help improve the Asian-ness.

Not to say that Malaysia isn't part of Asia...but I'm talking about being a Chinese. (Nevertheless, I am better off saying that I'm a Malaysian for the fact that though I'm a Chinese, if you put me in China or Taiwan, I will be as lost as a broken compass)

People often talk about flying West or towards the Asian Pacific region, but somehow, I find Far East intriguing, even appealing.


Perhaps, there is a greater meaning to all these?

2 A.M.

She smiles radiantly, then bows to the audience, while placing her hand at her chest in a polite manner.

Then she walks off the stage, still holding up her smile.

Yet her eyes could not conceal her shock at the lukewarm reception, her emerging tears and her want of solace.

People around her smiles cordially at her, some even encourages her and pats her on her back.

Yet her eyes could not turn away from those who gave her a smile and starts to whisper behind her back.

She goes into her dressing room to change back into her normal street clothes. Her eyes reddened and perhaps this was just the beginning of worse things to come. She knows how brutal and critical people can be.

There is someone at the door. She quickly wipes a tear away and opens the door, while trying to fake a yawn. It is just her performing partner who quickly asks if anything was wrong. She lies and says she was tired. They talk a bit more and she feels better.

She quickly changes and goes through the side entrance, while her manager waits for her. She gets into the van and draws down the curtains even if it is dark outside.

Her heart is strong, she knows. She has endured criticisms before and she can do it once again.

Yet, she wishes that she could be better then. She keeps telling herself that she has done her best and she can only hope for the best.

Suddenly, she wants to go home. Back to her parents who will not judge her, back to her old bed which will embrace her.

She shakes her head. No. She cannot afford to let herself be caught up like this. She is a celebrity and she knows this is the price she has to pay and has paid.

Her manager asks if she is okay. She just smiles at him and say "Of course!". She brings the window into view and looks out. Yes, she has done her best, she will do better next time.

She wonders, how long do I have to do this?

She ponders, where is my passion for my talent? Is it gone? What am I doing this for again?

She smiles sadly and closes her eyes, pretending she was tired, pretending she is just wanting to take a nap while she tried to make her mind to take her higher, away from this all.

She is shaken by her manager. She must have really fallen asleep.

She asks what time is it. It is 2 in the morning. A few hours before the whole routine starts again.



It'd be good if she can go home instead. Even if it's just for a few hours.

Bonded Or Free

I am currently under scholarship for my studies.

That means, I'm bonded to my studies. Should I find it distasteful and not my area after all, I can't just pack my bags, leave a note and ciao.

Today I found out that the auditions for JYP Entertainment is on (thanks to Wonder Girls' tweets). From Seoulbeats' Ellie's blog, I also found out that SM Entertainment (yup, the one currently in court with DBSK's three members) is also having auditions.

I tweeted that and dearest CK replied and told me to go for it (the JYPE one).

But I can't.

First, the auditions are all in the states, which then I found out that actually you can send in a recording through email.

Secondly, I'm not sure I have the qualifications to be in that industry, much less those companies.

Thirdly, I'm sort of bonded to my current music school. Since my music school is the equivalent of JYPE Education program and SM Academy, basically...you can call me a trainee. But of course, not all trainees get to become One Day or Wonder Girls or the whole slew of SM idols.

And my bond ends when I quit my classes or finish my course. So technically, I'm not a trainee in that Kpop sense.

But because of this 'bond', I can't audition for other places.

Then again, should I even think about this?

Am I really qualified?


We'll see what happens next year, eh?


:)

I Kid Myself Sometimes

Finally the big monster FYP is 95% over. 5% is the editing, printing and all the other appendices to accompany.

And God had proven that He is faithful. He knows I can finish it. I just didn't trust Him and myself enough.

One thing about me is that I often like to plan for the future, to keep me motivated for today. It's pretty "forward thinking" cause at least I have a direction I want to go. The only catch is that those plans are HUGE and I change my plans often.

So, what are the things I want to do after I finish my exams (I haven't graduate cause technically I only get my results in November. So I don't graduate till I see the transcript. And that is only unofficial. If I think right, I have to wait till August next year for my convo. Happiness.)

...

I plan to dabble a little more on video editing, since I've got the equipments and lots of music and dramas. :) I want to see how much my creativeness can take me. So most probably I will expert-fy myself in Premiere and After Effects. XD

I have always wanted to do music videos for dramas/movies. I got a list of great Korean songs just waiting for exploration. Haven't done that before, but I shall try. Probably need to get another external hard disk to store my project files.

The songs that I want to use most are Loveholic's "Echo 메아리" and Jisun's "어떡하죠 What Am I to Do?" Interestingly, both are from drama soundtracks. Though BOF is already over aeons ago, I still want to use Jisun's song for a music video. She deserves one. HEHE. As for "Echo", I didn't watch "Snow Queen 눈의 여왕" but I'm thinking in the lines of Star's Lover. Too bad, I don't have the raws for the drama. True, the drama is slow and flawed, but the cinematography is pretty. I like it. So, let me see, I'd probably use it for Hello God or other suitable drama. :) Maybe I'll get a movie instead. Yeah, movie will be great.

Why do I want to dabble in video editing? Cause I want to see how far I can pace and direct something. Besides, it's a good exercise to build up my experience. A plan of mine is to pursue an external degree in film and/or theatre. I love film, I love cinematography, I love directing, I love producting, I love the backstage. I like to see how stories unveil themselves. Of course I can't go and direct a movie right now, cause I have no experience. That's why there is that plan to pursue another degree, but not another first degree lah. Probably a Master's in film or a graduate cert. and make more friends in the film industry. I can't use my videos as my portfolio though. Too much sensitive issues. Hehe.

Another thing is to create an user manual for my mom. Don't ask for explanations.

And of course, the first plan would most probably be watch all my dramas on my list. I am currently stuck in Episode 8 of Cinderella Man and have not moved since. I almost forgot the storyline liao. I will have to watch the whole thing to give comments about it. It didn't hook me as much as Star's Lover did. Serious! I don't know why I love the slow drama. Maybe the cinematography is beautiful. Maybe the sound score is awesome. But I did want to watch it, maybe because I hoped that the next episode would have been better. It did improve at 19, but 20 was just as meh.

And of course, watch all the movies on my list! I'm stuck with more than 10 movies but I haven't touch them yet.

As I am listening to K.Will's (my favorite male singer, period.) "쇼핑 Shopping", I think I can visualize another music video. Que Sera Sera maybe? :) Perhaps I should just do a collection of Hello God music videos. Hahaha.

I'm not sure if I want to watch Tazza. I'm okay with Jang Hyuk, I'm fine with Kim Min Joon but I LOVE THE SCORE. It sounds like a film score instead of a drama score. But I'm not too keen on seeing another gambling-action drama. I'm not even captured by "Swallow The Sun 태양을 삼켜라", which I heard is raking in good ratings.

But right now, I think I'm having more than enough dramas on my plate. I'm planning to watch "My Fair Lady 아가씨를 부탁해" and "You're Beautiful 미남이시 네요" which are airing last quarter of 2009. My, has 2009 passed so fast.

So, no more dramas till the lists are exhausted. They can sing praises about whatever, but I sat through "Insoon is Pretty", so that should be enough to say about my drama taste. Not to say I thoroughly enjoyed the drama. It was another slow and confusing drama. But I like Kim Hyun Joo ever since "Marry A Millionaire". So "Partner 파트너"'s on the list.

But of course I'm not just watching boring dramas or weak dramas (which I heard Triple, unfortunately, is not as strong as its predecessor Coffee Prince). I'm watching a few good ones as well. "My Fair Lady" should be exciting enough. I haven't watch a single Yoon Eun Hye drama (surprise surprise) except for some snippets of Goong, but I know how she can carry her character well enough and I've heard enough about her. So, let MFL be the first. Then there is "Return of Iljimae 돌아온 일지매" which is pretty and another music to the ear. I'm a sucker for good soundtracks and cinematography. And ah, there is the mania drama which didn't do so well in ratings, "The Slingshot/The Story of a Man 남자이야기" but people are singing praises about. Mania dramas.

And ah, further to the east. Just because I like Kimutaku under the pen of Fukuda Yasushi, the screenwriter for my favorite dorama "Hero", I'm watching "CHANGE".

And I'm rewatching "Hello God" and "Kekkon Dekinai Otoko (a.k.a The Man Who Cannot Get Married)" from the beginning. I left out some episodes in between so I like to watch from the start again. 다시 시작 처음부터...

Okay. I sound shallow. :)