Lately, maybe due to exams, maybe due to the fact my sleeping habits are so regular (though in the wrongest way), I've been quite stressed out and haven't been able to sort out my thoughts well enough.
In other words, the SAS (Short Attention Span) rabbit within me is charged with triple Duracell batteries.
It's really bad, cause one, I can't concentrate much on studying for exams which leads to demotivation and the urge to distract myself constantly like blogging and Facebook-ing. Two, the prospect of difficult papers just deflate my motivation further. Three, maybe it's just the phase of transition. From a student to a young working adult. It's pretty daunting, come to think of it. I have no idea what to do, and I have no idea how to do it. Yup, welcome to the working world.
To be honest, I do wish sometimes I'm a guy. Not because of anything else but so I can fit in quickly. Though we always have these ladies' night and special privileges stuff like that, guys are rather, quite easy to blend into the crowd and the male-dominated society. Though I know many guys (and probably girls) would beg to differ.
Recently I've been doing a Watson on myself. Then again, I've been doing a Watson on me for quite a while, ever since I started third year. By Watson I don't mean the drugstore.
Then I look back at the mental list, though I'm not depressed or anything like that, I'm just quite frustrated at my own inabilities to be better. Looking at things now, I feel as if I have not grown for the past two years. Rather, I think I quite went backwards. I'm running the wrong way!
Maybe this has really something to do with my obsession to sit in front of the computer and not go out. If this is winter, winter is quite long. The Snow Queen or the White Witch has made friends with me, huh.
Yet, at the same time I do find myself discovering myself in some other ways. It's always interesting to see a discrepancy between my own opinion about myself and others' opinion about me. For instance, everyone has always said how serious I look and how silly I can totally be after they hear me talk for a while. Many have also remarked about some bold vibe I seem to give away, only to find me very fickleminded.
Maybe I've changed. But definitely not for the better. Though I like my hidden silliness but at the same time, I want myself to be wiser. Maybe this transition is finally revealing who I am truly - not always smart, very impulsive and definitely need more wisdom. And probably need to dig up the hidden PR skills somewhere within.
I'm not being harsh on myself, I just seem to see my weaknesses clearer and so able to pinpoint them in order to change. Once you see the plank in front of your own eyes, you'll learn to appreciate God's kindness. Cause seriously, don't you ever wonder, why in the world does God loves fools like us?
Of course, I'll always think the other person is better and get frustrated with myself for not being good at what I can be good at. As they say, "You are what you eat". For me, I think it's more like all those small bad habits you accumulate throughout the years of your life can really suddenly grow into one huge lump and leave you with indefinite amounts of regret.
Seriously, who has time to regret? But don't we all do that?
Oh, such conflicts within.
I know, I'm rambling like an old woman. I just needed to get that off my chest. I don't think Christians should be so mellow as they grow. That's called adulthood more often than not. People always have this mindset that Christians are conservative and things like that. But I'll beg to differ ten hundred times. Christianity is so radical it still sparks the same kind of controversies sparked 2ooo years ago.
Besides, a growing Christian will have joy. Now joy is something we all love to have. God isn't some old grumpy gramps that sit above us and sulk incessantly. And for that, I'm thankful.
Was watching Seoulbeats' old interview the other day with Korean R&B duo Fly To The Sky (FTTS) American member Brian Joo. Liked his down-to-earth attitude, dry wit and how he commented about his ideal girl. I'm a laggard in all these things. I need a quicker processor. Intel Core 2 Quad will be very nice. But won't that be too fast? :)
I'm thinking on how to be more eloquent when speaking. Seriously, I so need a quicker processor.
Sigh.
Back to round one.
When all fades away, what are we left with?
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